THE DRESDEN FILES Reading Challenge



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Sunday, March 28, 2010

Something silly to make you all laugh - Once u-PUN a time and other silliness. . .

Hi, all:

Since this has been a week of gloom, doom, social unrest, physical attacks on our elected representatives, and the return of Caribou Barbie to the public consciousness, I thought that some humour was in order.

THANKS to Sandy Day, a dear friend, who sent me these puns. Hope that this makes your week at least start out friendlier!
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What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"

They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.

What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? "Brothers and sisters, let us spray."

Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon
They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.His charge? Turd debris assault (sounds like Karl Rove, no?)

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."

They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."

They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.

Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

They arrested the Chrysler salesman and he couldn't a-Ford bail.

They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cellphone....she was charged with driving while intalksicated.

What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.

What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here!"

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass that knows it all.

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!

What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

They arrested the hock shop owner for indecency--he was selling pawnographic materials.

What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

And, FINALLY:

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

Have a great week!

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